My Final Interview and Private Conversation with President Obama

Free at last. Free at last, thank God almighty, we are free at last.

I pulled up to the White House, which was being decorated for the inauguration for the incoming president. Moving trucks were to the side, loading things up.

At the door I met the president, who said that he had fewer trucks than the Clintons because he was taking only his own furniture.

We entered the front door and I asked him where the nearest restroom was (yup that happens). When I went into the restroom, I noticed that I was stuck to the seat. Hey, Mr. President, what is this? Oh, sorry Larry, we were practicing pranks and more roadblocks for the Trumps. Did you like the new orange light bulbs that we installed?

Many people were walking around in the whirlwind of the last days of the Obama presidency. I actually thought that I saw a guest Syrian refugee family packing up, as well as Chelsea Manning asking which restroom he/she could use.

Valerie Jarrett greeted me and said, “We have been watching you, Levine, with great interest.” Levine, we have a coupon for a free room at the same resort that Scalia stayed in, interested?  Ah, no, thanks.

We sat down for the interview in the Lincoln bedroom, which unbeknownst to the public made into a man cave with dozens of big screens on the wall. One half of the screens had all the current games on including soccer games from Kenya, and the other half had videos of the presidential basketball games, complete with repeating highlights and slow mo,  of when the President scored .

So Mr. President, it has been some time since we have spoken, a lot has happened since you came into office. Would you care to speak about what you accomplished?

Sure Larry, oh, er, (clearing throat) coughing, twitching, fidgeting …. OK, what’s your next question?

Mr. President, you have been at war every day since you entered office and that doesn’t include your war against Fox News and the Republicans.  Have you received any correspondence from the Nobel Peace Prize committee asking you to return it?

No, and I am not leaving a forwarding address.

Mr. President, looking back on the last eight years, it seems like most of your accomplishments were by executive order ,so you didn’t have to work with Congress. Now that Mr. Trump is going to take offic,e aren’t you concerned that the first day they will all be wiped out? I mean, you watched The Ten Commandments now, didn’t you (which, by the way, were also by executive order of a sort ) ? Remember that part where Pharaoh says that the name Moses shall be stricken from the door posts, books, etc. in Egypt?

Well, Larry, I have no concerns about that because we are not in Egypt.

OK, Mr. President, but aren’t you at least a bit concerned that everything you did in the past eight years will be reversed in the first few hours of Mr. Trump’s presidency?

Not really, I am not leaving this town, so I will be on my favorite news channels every night saying that Trump is not a legitimate president. So no worries here.

Your very first speech was about the Middle East, when you visited Egypt. It has been eight years and you are still talking about the same issues with Israel. Is it true that you didn’t get along with Bibi Netanyahu? Or let me put it a different way, you hated his guts, threw up at the sound of his name, got stomach cramps and had to leave the building and had grand mal seizures after having sat next to him during news conferences?

No comment on that. Remember, Larry, I was called the First Jewish President by the New York Magazine.

So here is a sort of a trick question for you, Mr. President.  Which pension will be larger when you retire, the Kenyan or the American?

When you leave office, will you be driving yourself or do you have a chauffeur? The reason that I am asking is that there is some concern that you don’t know the difference between a red light (red line), a yellow light (that means calling Valerie for help) and a green light, which means, oh the hell with it, I will just do it with an executive order.

No comment.

With the recent rancor involving Putin of Russia, Hillary Clinton and Trump, can you now finally admit that the reset button was indeed out of order?

Wise guy …

OK, Levine, now it is my turn. I have heard just about enough from you the past eight years. You have criticized me, called me a liar, anti-Israel, incompetent, a race baiter, an egotist. You even wrote that I was so vain that you (me) probably think that this column is about (me) you. Am I correct?

Yes.

Oh, er, okay, well, you almost stepped over my red line, or was that yellow or green, not sure, but you almost stepped in it, Levine. What do you have to say about this?

Mr. President, here is what I can say. In a day or so our country will be…

Free at last. Free at last, thank God almighty, we are free at last.

Other than that, take care and enjoy your long, restful, far away – real far away, preferably Hawaii or farther away – retirement.

Please note that this is officially fake, fictitious news. I can also promise you that at no time were there any animals hurt in the writing of this missive. At least none that I know of.