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A ratio of 1:1 (compliment/criticism) will destroy the quality of your relationship as surely as it destroyed the generation of the Jewish people in the desert.
Have you ever been on the wrong end of an unwanted question, such as, “Will you marry me?” Or, “Will you be my date for the prom?” Or something less serious, such as, “Hey, can you do me a huge favor…..”.
If the answer is “no”, there is going to be a “but” somewhere in that sentence, such as, “I really love you – but – I’m just not in love with you.” Or, “you’re such a great guy – but – I’m already going with Mr. Wrong.” Or, “I’d love to help you out, but I think I have to do my colonoscopy prep that night.”
And no matter how nice or apologetic or convincing the first part of the sentence is, for the listener, it’s only what comes after the “but” that matters, because that’s where the truth of the message lies.
And so, it’s hard to believe – but – this one innocuous word, “but,” is responsible for the downfall of the generation that left Egypt and it caused them to be condemned to die in the desert.
If you don’t know the story, told in this week’s Torah reading – Shlach – the Jewish people had just left Mount Sinai after receiving the Ten Commandments and were poised to enter what was then known as the Land of the Canaanites. The people were nervous and didn’t know what they were up against, and so they asked Moses to appoint a group of men to go spy out the land.
After 40 days the spies returned, and issued a glowing report. “It’s a land filled with milk and honey. Here are its fruits.” And then they said the word efes (which means “but”), after which they painted such a negative picture of the land, that people were scared stiff and wept through the night, thus sealing their fate that not only would they not enter the land, but future calamities (such as the destruction of the First and Second Temples) would occur on the anniversary of that date.
We often mix compliments with criticisms and wonder why the listener is offended.
I gave my son a compliment about his appearance, but I ended the sentence with a criticism. “Mother giveth and Mother taketh away,” he said. And I was surprised. After all, I said something nice – also – so why the drama?
Plain and simple, it’s what follows the “but” that counts. And we can’t neutralize or offset a criticism with a compliment. It’s not an even wash, because we don’t hear or care about the compliment. Evolutionists will explain that we are wired to focus on negativity because the negative carries important information about possible danger.
Whatever the reason, a ratio of 1:1 (compliment/criticism) will destroy the quality of your relationships as surely as it destroyed that generation of the Jewish people. So can we ever criticize? Of course we can, and sometimes we must, but there are ways to do it without harming the relationship.
In a business setting, there is something called the “Losado Principle,” which tells us that unless a negative or critical remark is offset by at least three positive comments, the work environment is considered toxic and employees will not thrive and be productive.
In personal relationships, the ratio is a bit higher. A critical or negative comment needs to be offset with 3-5 positive comments. Dip consistently below that ratio in your marriage at your peril, because you are statistically headed for a divorce.
So here’s my advice:
If you must say something critical (and sometimes you must) make an effort to offset it with multiple positive remarks.
If you must say two contrasting things, switch the order so that the nice comment follows the “but.” For example: “You did a great job cleaning your room, but the bathroom is a mess” – versus – “The bathroom is a mess, but you did a great job cleaning your room.” Do you hear the difference in those approaches?
After you get the hang of that, just try to stop talking after the compliment. “You did a great job cleaning your room.” Full stop. The bathroom is another conversation for another time. Don’t ruin the compliment.
Don’t ruin your own compliments. When I get a compliment about a meal I prepared, for example, I noticed my tendency deflect it with a “but,” such as, “but the chicken is too dry.” Don’t diminish yourself and make the person giving you a compliment feel silly for doing so.
And finally, consciously transform the “but” from “destructive” to “constructive.” For example, “I hear that your teacher is a demanding perfectionist, but it’s really going to make you up your game.” Or, “I don’t know how I can deal with this, but I know it’s going to make me stronger.” Use the “but” to focus on the positive aspect of a challenging situation.
If only the spies could have read this blog, Jewish history could have been completely different! Let us not make the same mistake in our own lives, and instead, pay attention to the “but” and infuse our relationships with conscious kindness and create a legacy of positivity.
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